SKATE RANCH

Saturday night. I made some calls, grabbed my coat and I was out. We met up with about 20 of our friends and did the unthinkable: we went roller skating at the local Skate Ranch. ("Wha...Whaaat?!") I had no idea what to expect, even of myself. I haven't skated in about two decades. Some in our group totally chickened out and just sat on the sidelines the whole time. Not me. I may have looked like I was doing some sort of retarded robot seizure thing around the rink, holding on to the walls every few feet to avoid paralyzing myself, but I did it. And never fell once. As a reward, we went out afterwards to the Falls Tap Room. When we arrived, we noticed a patron out front acting...just not quite right. Upon closer inspection we realized he was straight up peeing right in front of the joint. Yellow puddle and all. We complained to the manager, who was my former boss a couple of years ago, and he totally footed our bill, adult beverages and all. It easily came to over $100. Pretty sweet. Maybe I should get my husband to always pee in front of places I want to get something for free.   
Me: "I just saw some homeless riff-raff peeing in front of your store. How disgusting! I'm never shopping here again and I'm calling the BBB and maybe Channel 11 too while I'm at it!"
Whole Foods: "That's terrible! We don't want to lose your business! Go get yourself $500 of groceries, on us!"
Me: "You expect me to pay that sticker price?? I just saw some idiot pee on the hood! I'm outta here!"
BMW sales manager: "Wait!...Wow, you have no idea how sorry we are, Mrs. Price. Accept this free car with all the upgrades as our token of apology.
Me: "Do you guys really expect me to keep making my mortgage payments when every time I open my front door there is some random white guy peeing on my porch?!"
Bank of America: "Absolutley not, Mrs. Price. The home is now yours scott-free. That's pretty gross, after all. And for your troubles we'll even give you a vacation home anywhere in the world you choose. And, what the heck, how 'bout an unlimited credit card to decorate the place?"